Oh oh oh

Sun, 21 Nov 2004 05:52:33 GMT

ok, so sometimes i wonder if i really am crazy or not. but then again doesn't everyone wonder this at one point in their life or another? or perhaps not... i don't really know. and the only reason i'm typing this all out is because i don't have the patience to write it all out... because than my hand gets tired, and lead gets all over it (being left-handed is such a pain sometimes), and my thoughts escape me before the pencil or pen can even hit the paper. so yes, sometimes this is easier, although i don't get the full satisfaction of my hand flowing across rough paper as the words form in my brain, and come forth onto the paper by the motions of my hand... typing isn't really quite as satisfying. but this really is all besides the point.

sometimes i get frustrated with people who try to analyze things to deeply, or try to read me, and end up reading the wrong book. i just wonder what these people think of themselves. and how do they go through life, analyzing one person at a time? why do things have to become more complicated than they really are. what ever happened to face value. since when is the defininition of "normal" or "weird" conformed to any particular persons' beliefs? is anybody with me on this? i feel like i'm looked down on sometimes because of the way i deal with things, or just because of who i am. and i know i probably sound really 15-year-oldish or something right now, but don't be mistaken, i'm not talking about "finding my identity" or "oh, nobody understands me", i'm talking about something more grounded than that- i'm saying that i think sometimes people look at me (or can look at almost anyone, for that matter), and say, "that person is wrong in the way they deal with things" or "oh, that person is too ______". now, it's at this point where i start to feel hypocritical, because i can think of many situations in which i felt that way towards another human being, and that can almost bring us back to the whole "liberal toletant" way in thinking, only not from a political standpoint. who are we to think that the other person is wrong in how they deal with life? while i'm sure those who have more of an expertise in this kind of field can give many examples as to why some styles of living is unhealthy, unsafe, etc., there are some examples that don't apply to this. like the whole "what is normal? what is weird?" idea. really... what is</i> normal? how can one define such a thing. it's only defined by the standards society and our culture give to us, and i think that's just stupid. i'm sure, going back to a few sentences ago, that people acquire their way of thinking based on their own life experiences, but then that refutes the idea of us being "individuals", and not like-minded robots. if we all dealt with problems and situations exactly the same, what fun would life be?
so why can't we all get along. who cares if we can't understand each other.

oh, so easy to discuss, yet so difficult to apply....

Sun, 05 Sep 2004 18:17:42 GMT

i don't ever want to lose the full function of my hippocampus. i mean, think about it. your hippocampus is the part of your brain that makes new memories. so what happens when you can no longer make new memories? every few minutes, your mind goes back to right before you lost your function of the hippocampus. you go crazy. the brain cannot handle chaos, so it tries to sort things out. why am i here? did i just wake up? is this my first memory? imagine that you still have emotion, you still have feelings for people, but you can't really explain why. or what if you can no longer make new memories, and then somebody near and dear to you dies, but you can't ever remember that they died? so whenever you inquire about this person, someone tells you, "well, i'm sorry, but they died a long time ago." so then you go into a state of grievance for a period of time. dude. i pray i will always have my hippocampus in tact!

fake pets

Mon, 16 Aug 2004 23:40:01 GMT

i remember this one time in 5th grade, the whole class got assigned "pen pals" aka just a whole other class in a school from the next town over. i had always wanted a cat, so i remember lying to my penpal, kelly odle, telling her i had a kitten that was all black with one small white spot on its stomach, so we had named it snowflake. really there was no kitten at all. and i sent her a picture of me holding my aunt's ferret, and she thought i had a pet ferret, too. i never bothered to correct her. so she thought i had a dog, a cat, and a ferret. i really just had a dog. man i thought i was so cool.

-dunamus

movie review

Tue, 29 Jun 2004 05:40:56 GMT

i just finished watching the royal tenenbaums. one word for it: peculiar. okay, let's try two words: intriguing. but i wouldn't put them together, hmm. the music is what intrigued me most, i think. playing charlie brown christmas music at odd times, and playing a different classical tune constantly while they're at the graveyard... it was quite interesting. oh, i just thought of another word. actually, i thought of it earlier, but it didn't seem fit. now, all of a sudden, it does: creative. yes, a creative, peculiar, intriguing movie. i said i wouldn't put those words together. only a few minutes of typing and i've already contradicted myself. creatures of contradiction and habit, that's all we are. have a good night.

-dunamus

Sun, 27 Jun 2004 03:31:02 GMT

okay, so, i've been reading up on michael moore, because he seems to have been quite the discussion piece lately. so naturally, i want to find out what he's all about. i've come to the conclusion that he is one of the most ultimate deceivers in america. i have read articles about him from web sites from the left and right, and the whole thing intrigues me just a bit. i have seen his movie trailer for farenheit 9/11, and it looks like he's a master of scene sequencing and audio/visual editing. i wish i had a video camera and an editing program, so i could learn how to do that, and form something similar, just to show how easy it is to twist things around. i think i'm going to borrow/rent Bowling for Columbine and watch it sometime, though, so when the movie comes up in a discussion, i don't have to talk about it blindly. annnd, i'm going to watch fahrenheit 9/11, but not until it comes out on video rental. because i am not going to pay 5-10 bucks to sit in a movie theatre, and support someone who stands for everything i'm against for while i'm at it. well, not like i don't do that while sitting in a movie theatre watching any Hollywood movie... hmm, that can make a person think.

today i determined that i have an infatuation with the sky. and, maybe, someday if i ever have a little girl, that will be her name. sky. and my parents will get angry and call me a hippy...

-dunamus

i'm not supposed to impose on family values, you know

Fri, 25 Jun 2004 23:51:52 GMT

i'm quite content at this moment, and i'm not really sure why. i woke up this morning angry at the whole world, once again, not really sure why. there was no particular reason. my anger turned into tiredness, which then turned into contentness. i don't think contentness is a word. anyway, i have nothing going on tonight, which is good. because being busy can kill a person at times, i think. i've gone out (or, like last night, have had people come to me) the past 4 nights, and tonight, as dorky as it sounds, i am going to stay home on this friday night and play with my piano and guitar. ooooh yes. drums? no. i sort of want to just give those up. they just sit there. there they are... to my left. sitting there. not touched. in like a month. jeez rachael what's your problem. oh, my sticks look lonely...

okay, so today i read about michael moore's movie coming out this weekend (?), Fahrenheit 9/11. and, it was really weird reading it, because i had no feelings of anger or despite stirring up within me as i read the article. i just pity the man, really. it's just one of those things where it's not worth getting into an argument over with someone. the only thing i find worth arguing about is abortion. because those are babies, and someone needs to be their voice since america won't stop killing them off. okay yeah, and sometimes the whole gun issue gets to me. i will ask people to back themselves up with facts if they are going to spout off garbage about charlton heston or the NRA. because that stuff is pretty black and white. but when it comes to politics- i really have to be in the right mood. and i won't argue about religioin or my beliefs either. because i find that all rather pointless as well. if someone does not believe in God, and they want to argue with you about God, well, what is the point? you both don't even have a base to argue on. if i say there is a God, and someone else says there isn't, then what is there to argue about? oh, there's also those petty things Christians argue about, as well, which i find rather absurd. like, secular music vs. Christian music. or what did Jesus (or paul or moses or whoever) really mean when he said "_fillintheblank_"? man, who cares? (lately that has been my motto... hmmm...) and i don't like it when other Christians shove their beliefs down other people's throats. hmm, let's see... oh yeah, non-Christians don't like it either. which is why it's a turn-off. street witnessing and preaching... don't get me wrong, i'm not like against that or anything, it's just that there's a time and a place for everything.

i think that's all i have to say today.

-dunamus

Tue, 22 Jun 2004 05:56:07 GMT

ok, so today was like all the other days i've had this summer when i have nothing to do: buy jellybeans, go to the library, read, and rollerblade. i'm being sucked into that horrible thing we call tradition. it's a pretty scary thought. but i did take a walk today. that was quite unordinary. it was unordinary because it wasn't planned. i was just walking to my car from the library, but then i passed my car and kept going. i really have no idea why i kept walking. i felt as if i had some strange force driving me. it was so odd, but i just kept walking, right past my car, onto the grass, onto the sidewalk that led me to route 441. once at route 441, i realized that i didn't know what i was doing, or why i was there, so i turned around and went back to my car. it was the freakiest thing. but i do suppose that freaky things happen to all of us, and it's what makes life interesting. and without life being interesting, what fun would life be. you know what i don't like- when people don't live their own lives. like, people who live life trying to please everyone else. i mean, yeah, okay, i am a people-pleaser. i admit it- i don't like it when someone gets mad at me or talks bad about me. this is why i try not to gossip. but, ya know what, there are certain times at certain places where you just have to let loose. like today, on my walk for instance. i had my keys in hand, but kept right on walking past my car. and i think a couple people in the parking lot might have stared. and, on my way back, i took off my sandals and walked barefoot. and that lady putting her child in the carseat of her van- she stopped for a second, and looked at me and my bare-footedness. and i thought, "ok, so?" i mean, really, i'm never going to see the woman again. who cares if she thinks i'm a bit odd. really... who cares? and this brings me back to my point... i prefer to live life not caring what anyone else thinks. i mean, not to the extent of that one guy in that movie office space. ha. no, there are boundaries. but, like, you can't be too hooked up on what people think of you. oh, so what- i'm a dumb kid. oh no, i'm scarred for life. not really. oh, i think i'm 5% pride. i only say 5% because i don't like to talk much about my achievements in life. but, the thought of even mentioning my "percentage" of pride in me makes me a bit prideful, doesn't it? and there are certain things i do like to pride myself on- like how i don't give in to much pper pressure. i hate that. i've always hated that. someone trying to force me to do something just makes me want to rebel even more. and sometimes it gets to the point where it's not the issue anymore, it's the principal. and if that doesn't make sense, well... i just don't care. that is the moral of the story here, folks. can't you tell already?

-dunamus

Tue, 22 Jun 2004 05:38:12 GMT

ok, so i've decided to give this journal a different purpose. i like to ramble about nonchalant things quite often, so i'm using this as my freewrite journal. whatever comes to my mind, i type out. i do this a lot with my tangible journals, but having an online one is nice, too, i suppose. i've heard that people actually like to read my flowing thoughts. not sure why, though. amusement, i think.

-dunamus

leap day poem

Mon, 01 Mar 2004 03:15:39 GMT

so tonight I talked to
my mirror image for almost an hour
we got nothing accomplished
unless you call frustration an accomplishment
then we got enough accomplishments
to last us two lifetimes
hers and mine
I don't see beauty in her
she sees beauty in me
I don't quite get it
but then again
I don't get a lot of things
Like my own way for instance
I never get it
Only someone else's that i don't want
And is this a cruel joke being played on me?
Is it supposed to be somewhat comforting?
For i'd like someone to see
the beauty in me
And not just my mirror image but
flesh and blood
not so shallow
I'm about half and half
Half real half fake half fantasy
Confused at what life brings me
I take its cup of coffee for what its worth
four sugar shots and a caffeine high
I get an extra day to think
Maybe my mirror image will crack
For her face will see my fist -->
Before she is shattered
And then what will become of me
When my mirror image is gone
And all that is left is my half and half
Half real half fake half fantasy
Which half will die
Will the frustration still be there
Will nothing have been accomplished
Will there be no more beauty in me
since there will be no un-beauty to see
the potential beauty that is or was to be
And can this be fixed
by optimistic views that say
this coffee mug is half full
And mirrors can be replaced.
So then will she return and the frustration
begin again while this fun house
Gives me one extra day to rethink things
Perhaps we should discuss these issues
one more time and start all over.
I shall be one whole
the coffee will be decaf
And the word accomplishment wouldn't exist.

not quite sure if it's finished yet.
there's the draft, anyway.

-dunamus